My stages of grief

The  5 classic stages of grief are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

My stages had different titles:

#1. Broken-broken to the core, uncontrollable crying, unable to sleep, unable to eat, totally overwhelmed and afraid of everything. Was I going to die? Was I going to be able to meet financial obligations with both children in college? What if I lost my job? What if my house burned down? What if the water pipes broke or the roof of my home started to leak while I was at work? Etc..

#2. Guilt-guilt over not dying 1st, guilt over things said or done in the past, guilt over being the parent that gets to see our children grow older.

#3 Anger-anger at her for dying, for being overwhelmed, for thinking it was much easier to die than to navigate through everything I needed to navigate through, for others being happy, and yes, toward God as well.

#4. Awakening-waking up each morning, knowing I could and must go on, that I could shop and cook, that I could work full time while multitasking family issues and, finally, becoming re-aware that "most everyone is fighting a battle of which you know nothing about," even friends and acquaintances, that you had known for years.

#5. Desire-to live again, to love, to learn, to enhance my spirituality, to understand the human experience more, to grow, to socialize again and finally, wanting to help others who have had a loss work through grief.

It's been 2 years since the last update

 A lot has happened over the last couple of years. 

I got re-married in August, 2019 to "J" (see blog entry on April 22, 2018).

All's going great.

Her three children-now my step children (ages 19-32), have seemed to accept me into their lives.

My children-now J's two step children (ages 24 and 26), have come to truly appreciate and care for her.

She's kind and thoughtful-2 wonderful characteristics that their mother also shared.

I connected with T in November, 1988 when I decided to go to a Halloween party at the last minute.

I connected with J in April, 2017 when I decided to go to a medical conference at the last minute.

I do believe God was involved with both last minute decisions. 

I couldn't be more thankful!

A great sentence

"Don't let the sadness of your past and the the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present."

The author of this excellent quote is never noted.

So to the unknown author out there...well done!

Choosing TODAY

I was told recently that I spend a lot of time talking about my past and my future, but not a lot of time talking about the present.

Initially, I wanted to disagree, but soon conceded it was an accurate statement.

However, I do think it's completely understandable, after experiencing a loss, to do just that.

You have wonderful memories to rehash that allow you to feel sort of normal again and you have fears about the future without the one you planned to share life with.

But:

"An emotionally locked person refuses to live in the now."-Kilroy J. Oldster

I don't want to be emotionally locked.

There's much wisdom on this subject:

"Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last. The past is over and gone. The future is not guaranteed."-Wayne Dyer

"Life is not a dress rehearsal."-Rose Tremain

"Don't waste today by talking about yesterday until it's finally tomorrow."-Tim Fargo

"Today is the bridge between acceptance and faith. Today is the bridge between the past, regarding which we unconditionally accept that everything has occurred according to God's plan, and a future where we place our unconditional trust in God's omnipotence and His benevolent design for our lives."-Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I'm choosing today, today.

I'm going to make every effort to choose to live in the day, tomorrow, as well.

It slowly melts away

''Grief melts away. Like snow in May. As if there was no such thing as cold."-George Herbert

It does.

It will.

You are forever changed but have faith...

It does melt away.

It will, eventually, melt away.

Much needed salve

I came across an excellent short article entitled, "Walking away from Facebook can help salve a lonely soul" by Matthew Richardson.

He notes that Facebook is like a stage play in which you see a near perfect performance without being backstage where things go wrong and where actors often clash. It's a popularity contest and is usually as real as reality TV.

Recently I've been surprised a couple of times by friends who were in the midst of significant marital conflict or divorce proceedings.

Both times I looked at their Facebook pages, prior to seeing them, and would have thought they had a perfect life and marriage.

Richardson comments  that Facebook is a monstrous time-suck and causes us to be envious of others, instead of being thankful for God's blessings.

Holly Butcher wrote an excellent essay prior to her death, from Ewing's sarcoma, at age 27: "A bit of life advice from Hol."

Wise beyond her years she recommends the following: "Try just enjoying and being in moments rather than capturing them through the screen of your phone. Life isn't meant to be lived through a screen nor is it about getting the perfect photo. Enjoy the bloody moment, people! Stop trying to capture it for everyone else."

I've so wanted to share this with those who seem to have the need to post photos on Facebook when they are still the midst of an experience taking place.

Just plain thankful

"But think-if we had no one we loved enough to mourn for, how flat, how terrible, our lives would be."-Martha Whitmore Hickman

This is so true but you won't be able to acknowledge the same until the grief and tears have started to abate.

At least that's how it was for me.

It took close to a couple of years but I can honestly say I am so thankful and grateful for the life and love I shared with T, instead of just focusing on the loss.

I've had time with both of our children recently.

My son is in graduate school and my daughter graduated from college last weekend.

It makes me even more thankful, if that's even possible.

There have been no tears for quite sometime now.

I hope the same will eventually be true for you.