Evolving

Melissa Wilder Joyce: "The strength, courage and qualities I have found within myself through the process of grief is unparalleled to what I ever even knew existed."

I think I was a good husband.

I'm pretty sure I would have been an even better husband now.

I'm both proud and saddened by this realization.

A fear of intimacy

I've gone to bed and awakened alone for 292 days.

I so miss her presence next to me at these times but would be lying to say I haven't had thoughts of wanting to be with a woman again.

But, I get queasy thinking about being with someone else intimately.

The absolute trust we shared allowed our intimate times to be amazing for so many years.

Obviously there's no way of knowing if I will ever find that again.

Many others are not so fortunate to have had what I had.

I spent 1/2 my life with T.

I'm actually sort of thankful for the queasiness.

It's helped me understand I'm not ready yet to pursue another relationship.

Here and accounted for

Wayne Dyer had some wonderful quotes over his life.

"Present moment living...getting in touch with your now...there's really no other moment to live...the future is really just another present moment to live when it arrives."

Granted, easier said than done but, nontheless, still useful to help motivate one  to be present in the moment and to try and make the most of each and every day.

Happy face

Loss takes you, and keeps bringing you back, to some dark places.

Facebook is, overwhelmingly, usually sort of a show and tell about everything that's good in a persons life.

I completely understand.

The photos posted often show happy couples, friends of mine.

When I used to post the same type of photos I never, not even for a second, pondered how they would make someone who is struggling with loss feel.

I do now.

I don't like the feeling of being jealous of or resenting those whose partners are still living.

I need to take a break from looking at Facebook.

That's what I'm going to do.

The continued waves of guilt

Did I miss something related to T's health?

Should I have taken a more active role in her healthcare?

After she died I saw, in her day-planner, that she had postponed all of her regular doctors appointments until her job and the school year were completed for the year and my hip revision surgery was finished.

Should I have insisted she make earlier appointments? I didn't know she had postponed them but should have-she always thought of others before herself.

9 months since she died and I'm still, unfortunately, cycling through these same questions.

I know it's not a worthwhile use of my time.

The questions are draining.

I know I also should have asked for an autopsy-it's just that I wasn't thinking too clearly at the time.

I do know Tori would tell me to stop acting this way and to get on with my life.

Tomorrow's another day.

I'll try.

It's a wonderful life?

Easter has always has been a wonderful day.

Yesterday was as good as it could be but I wouldn't say it was wonderful.

Some days it seems that nothing will ever meet the definition of wonderful again.

I'm hoping this blog entry just falls under the category of another holiday in the "first year without" that so many others discuss.

A new beat

"Tell your heart to beat again" by Danny Gokey:

"Let the shadows fall away-step into the light of grace-yesterday's a closing door-you don't live there anymore-say goodbye to where you've been-and tell your heart to beat again."