The emotional dam leaked again

It's been over 11 months since Tori died.

I've been doing significantly better emotionally of late.

I decided to stop by and wish the teacher, who both my children had for kindergarten, congratulations on her pending retirement after a 36 year career teaching.

I basically just wanted to quickly drop off a thank-you card.

I started to tear up the second I saw her.

Dropping our kids off for kindergarten, so many years ago, was just one of so many memorable occasions for Tori and I.

Seeing the teacher, who is amazing, opened the floodgates to this memory.

I said a quick "hi and thank you," gave her a brief hug and left.

The emotions took me by surprise.

You would think I wouldn't be surprised after all this time by the intensity...but I am.

Too much information

A recent Facebook post from a wife of a close friend:

"Happy birthday to my partner, my best friend and my lover. Thank you for being my partner, my best friend and my lover."

I can only assume that all the stores were out of birthday cards so she decided to use Facebook to send all of us this personal message meant for her husband.

Or she wanted to clarify that he was, in fact, her lover in case anyone else was thinking of putting the moves on her or him for that matter.

Tori would have never sent me a public message such as this and would have been so annoyed with me if I ever did the same to her...and would have told me so.

It's another thing that I loved about her.

Some awesome young adults

Saw my sister this past weekend.

I mentioned it was so cool to see the amazing young adults her children had become.

She said the same about mine.

She noted that loving, doing your best to understand, accepting and enjoying their uniqueness seems, to her, to be the most important thing for parents to strive for in raising children.

I know Tori had similar thoughts.

Don't worry, be happy

"Do not take overmuch thought for tomorrow. God, who has led you safely on so far, will lead you on to the end."

Too frequently trying to assess your "emotional temperature" while in the midst of grief can be exhausting.

It helps to not be so introspective.

God is in control.

I'm finally starting to get better at remembering that again.

Day #324

I've got some OCD traits for sure.

Despite two smart phones, an I-pad and a lap top, I still prefer to use a day planner that I write my to-do list for the day and cross out when a task is accomplished.

I've also been noting the days since T died, everyday.

Today is day #324 of LWT (Life without Tori).

Now that I've recorded it I can get on with the rest of my day.

I'm odd.

I know I am.

Forever in our hearts

One of the songs we picked for T's memorial service, by Train, was "When I look to the sky."

"...'Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me

And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here..."

It's Mother's day.

I'm going to go see my 84 y/o Mom today.

My children won't see their Mom today.

Tori was an amazing Mother.

I'm sure to have the lyrics in my head all day. 

I suspect my children will as well.

Worthwhile

Something I read recently: when you are feeling down and blue tell yourself that life is worth living.

I've been doing that lately and it has been helpful.

I'll keep doing it until I read a different quote that speaks to me and then I'll give that one a try; still just taking things one day at a time.