Happy face

Loss takes you, and keeps bringing you back, to some dark places.

Facebook is, overwhelmingly, usually sort of a show and tell about everything that's good in a persons life.

I completely understand.

The photos posted often show happy couples, friends of mine.

When I used to post the same type of photos I never, not even for a second, pondered how they would make someone who is struggling with loss feel.

I do now.

I don't like the feeling of being jealous of or resenting those whose partners are still living.

I need to take a break from looking at Facebook.

That's what I'm going to do.

The continued waves of guilt

Did I miss something related to T's health?

Should I have taken a more active role in her healthcare?

After she died I saw, in her day-planner, that she had postponed all of her regular doctors appointments until her job and the school year were completed for the year and my hip revision surgery was finished.

Should I have insisted she make earlier appointments? I didn't know she had postponed them but should have-she always thought of others before herself.

9 months since she died and I'm still, unfortunately, cycling through these same questions.

I know it's not a worthwhile use of my time.

The questions are draining.

I know I also should have asked for an autopsy-it's just that I wasn't thinking too clearly at the time.

I do know Tori would tell me to stop acting this way and to get on with my life.

Tomorrow's another day.

I'll try.

It's a wonderful life?

Easter has always has been a wonderful day.

Yesterday was as good as it could be but I wouldn't say it was wonderful.

Some days it seems that nothing will ever meet the definition of wonderful again.

I'm hoping this blog entry just falls under the category of another holiday in the "first year without" that so many others discuss.

A new beat

"Tell your heart to beat again" by Danny Gokey:

"Let the shadows fall away-step into the light of grace-yesterday's a closing door-you don't live there anymore-say goodbye to where you've been-and tell your heart to beat again."

The weekend blues

Weekends remain an awkward time.

I'm never quite sure what to do with myself.

I haven't  been able to get comfortable trying to socialize yet so I basically just spend time walking my dog, cleaning, doing laundry, running some errands, doing some yard work and occasionally getting together with family.

About the only time I feel normal is when I'm at the YMCA.

I know I should get back to church more consistently.

It's just that the few times I've gone all I could think about were all the happy couples and families there and ended up feeling sad, instead of listening to the message.

I know it doesn't make a lot of sense and I'm trying to work through it.

I'll head to the "Y" soon.

I'll feel better for a while after that.

Taxed out

I wasn't expecting tax prep, this weekend, to be so emotional.

Having to put down that I'm now a widower, record T's social security number, once again note her date of death and enter her last W-2 was incredibly sad.

I'm wiped and just hoping to drift off to sleep soon.

I'll be back trying to act normal again in the morning.