Unremediable

"Grief for things past, that cannot be remedied, will never benefit me."

Kindness and Compassion

The 1st Tori Sheahan Memorial Award and Scholarship will be presented today at the award assembly for graduating seniors of Winter Park High School.

It's being presented to a student who has been recognized by faculty and administrators as having two traits that were always associated with Tori, by all who knew or had come in contact with her: Kindness and Compassion.

It's awesome and so greatly appreciated. My eyes are wet but they are truly tears of thanks.

Drive-by

Had every intention of going to church today.

Got up in time to walk Dwight, eat breatfast, shave, shower and get dressed.

Left my house on time.

Arrived at church with some time to spare and while looking for parking saw a friend of mine walking toward the church hand in hand with his wife.

They didn't see me.

I rounded the corner and headed home.

Sometimes I feel as if I'm losing my mind.

I'm happy for my friend, and for all the others who have their family unit intact, but still just get so darn sad when I see happy couples.

I don't feel like this is the right mind-set to actually be able to listen and absorb a message from the Pastor.

I'll continue to work on my spirituality on my own for now.

Hopefully in the near future I'll be able to park my car and actually walk in.

Two steps forward and one back.

It's an improvement from months ago.

I keep reminding myself of that fact.

Another small step

Our last dinner together, on the night she died, was at Tijuana Flats.

We ate there about once a week for the previous 9-10 years-I'm not kidding.

I hadn't gone back there until tonight.

I ordered at the counter.

I didn't need a menu, even after not having been there for ten months.

I knew exactly what she would have ordered.

I scanned the inside for a table but then saw the table against the window where we had sat.

I decided to sit at an outside table.

I was alone but was surrounded by multiple couples and families doing what we had done for years: talking and laughing while eating and reviewing our day.

I'm sure no one had any idea what I was trying to work through.

To them I was just a dude having a meal.

But I was also a dude who was making a breakthrough.

It was another good step in the right direction.

No promises

"Focus on today and look forward to tomorrow, but remember, tomorrow is not promised."

A 68 year old neighbor, who lives 4 houses away, seemed to be sleeping late so his wife left the home quietly yesterday morning to run some errands.

After returning home at 10 am she went to check on him and he was dead.

There was no suspicion of foul play.

His family is grieving but he actually had the perfect death-at home, in his own bed and while he slept.

I wonder what he was thinking about just before drifting off to sleep.

I suspect most of us think about the same thing: family related stuff.

If I wake up in the morning I'll try to have a great day.

It's always possible that it could be my last.

Some new friends

Mignon McLaughlin: In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything and two minus one equals nothing.

Ernest Hemingway: There is no lonelier man in death than the man who has lived many years with a good wife and then outlived her. If two people love each other there can be no happy ending to it.

I've been more out of sorts and lonelier over the last 9-10 months than I've ever been in my life.

However, I'm extremely appreciative of the many friends who in subtle, and not so subtle, ways have been so supportive as I continue to figure things out.

I have neighbors with whom I've been an acquaintance for over 20 years who are now friends.

That's been a really good thing.

Evolving

Melissa Wilder Joyce: "The strength, courage and qualities I have found within myself through the process of grief is unparalleled to what I ever even knew existed."

I think I was a good husband.

I'm pretty sure I would have been an even better husband now.

I'm both proud and saddened by this realization.

A fear of intimacy

I've gone to bed and awakened alone for 292 days.

I so miss her presence next to me at these times but would be lying to say I haven't had thoughts of wanting to be with a woman again.

But, I get queasy thinking about being with someone else intimately.

The absolute trust we shared allowed our intimate times to be amazing for so many years.

Obviously there's no way of knowing if I will ever find that again.

Many others are not so fortunate to have had what I had.

I spent 1/2 my life with T.

I'm actually sort of thankful for the queasiness.

It's helped me understand I'm not ready yet to pursue another relationship.

Here and accounted for

Wayne Dyer had some wonderful quotes over his life.

"Present moment living...getting in touch with your now...there's really no other moment to live...the future is really just another present moment to live when it arrives."

Granted, easier said than done but, nontheless, still useful to help motivate one  to be present in the moment and to try and make the most of each and every day.