Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Silver day

Today would have been our Silver anniversary-the big two-five.
Tori and I were married for just under 23 years but we were a team for almost 28.
I sure loved her and I know she loved me.
I'm actually smiling because of how lucky I was to have had such a great marriage-I know many are not so fortunate-and because of how amazing she was as our children's mother.
The last couple of years I've cried a lot on this date.

I'm not crying today-I'm just filled with gratitude-and that's a really nice change.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Re-programming my thoughts

"The great thing. if one can, is to stop regarding all of the unpleasant things as interruptions of one's "own" or "real" life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one's real life-the life God is sending one day by day.-C.S. Lewis

Friday, July 28, 2017

Let it be

"It's time to just be happy...being angry, sad or overthinking isn't worth it anymore...just let things flow...be positive."-Author unknown

Friday, July 14, 2017

Dread be gone?

"He'd begun to wake up in the morning with something besides dread in his heart...a kind of urge to be eager, a longing to be happy."-Jon Hassler

I'm glad to feel some joy again. Thankful it's the case. Hoping it will be the new normal.

Monday, July 3, 2017

Reading to help heal

"...loss will change the constellation of our lives. That fact will not go away. But its edges will soften, and other events will come along to enrich our lives, so that this grief which seems as though it will forever be "front and center" slips into the background tapestry and our hearts are often and profoundly made glad once more."
Again, much thanks to Martha Whitmore Hickman (12/9/1925->1/17/2015) for these words of insight and encouragement.
Her book "Healing After Loss-Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief" has been a great resource and has done just that...It's been instrumental in helping me to heal after loss.
I've given copies to others who are trying to do the same.
I'm going to continue to do just that.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Let go, be grateful, look forward

To be happy you must:

Let go of what's gone. Be grateful for what remains. Look forward to what's coming next.-Author unknown.

Living in the present

"How much time we spend anguishing over a future without the one we love-anticipating all the times we would have expected that person to be present with us, sharing our life. Yet the future is unknown to us. We ourselves may not be present at these events we look toward anticipating grief. We do not need to compound that grief by projecting ourselves into a time beyond our knowledge or control."-Martha Whitmore Hickman

Friday, June 23, 2017

T's surrogate

Two years ago I woke up on this day of the month completely overwhelmed. Tori had died at 4:44 pm the day prior. I was scared and didn't know what to do about most everything. We had split up so many duties over the years but it became apparent that the things she did were the things that mattered; the things that kept our family and household going. Our cars being cleaned and the yard looking good suddenly became so insignificant. Having our bills paid, having food in the refrigerator and helping to coordinate and keep track of family issues were always "hers." I couldn't imagine life without her. I wasn't at all confident that I could even come close to doing the things she had been doing.
Things have not been the same. Everything is different but I have acquired, actually re-acquired, many skills. I've done my best to be her surrogate. I got to witness the best. I just wish she could have witnessed this improved version of myself.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

LWT X 2 years

"I knew already that these things, and worse, happened daily. Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not in imagination. " C.S. Lewis

Tomorrow will be two years of Life without T. I am doing better. Re-reading posts from over the last two years confirms the same. This LWT version of myself has more SINCERE empathy for others than I know I had in the past. I hope I can give close to the same of amount of support to others in need as I have received from so many.

Monday, June 19, 2017

June 18th

June 18th, 2017: Father's Day. Tori always made Father's Day special.

June 18th, 2015: Tori slumped over on the couch, while reading her Kindle, at 9 PM.
June 21st, 2015: Father's Day. June 22nd, 2015: Tori died at 4:44 pm.

Great memories of most Father's Day. Not so great memories of June 18th-June 22nd, 2015.

Friday, May 26, 2017

Turning the page

"We live our life in chapters."
I completely agree.
It's just that I wasn't expecting to have spent nearly the last 2 years living it as I have been doing.
I'm ready for this 2 year chapter to be finished.
"Everything you want is on the other side of fear."
I'm no longer afraid so it will be interesting to see what the future holds.
Hopefully, a happier chapter.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

A good soul home

I know the real estate and house closing agents usually try to keep the buyer and the seller of a home apart.
My part of the closing went quickly.
As I was leaving the buyer was entering.
He said "it's great to meet you."
He then said he knows this is a very emotional day.
He knew we had lived there for over 23 years and he knew that T had died.
He said he and his wife knew our home was perfect the first time they walked through.
"Your home had a good spirit, it had a good soul."
He then thanked me for the privilege of being able to raise his family in the same home that I raised my family.
I got a little emotional as well.
I wasn't expecting this encounter.
We shook hands.
I don't think our home could have found a better new owner.


I've been in the apartment now for a little over a week.
Pros: no needing to keep up the yard and weed the gardens, no need for a pool/appliance/pest control/lawn treatment service, no need for a termite bond, home owners or flood insurance and no real estate/property taxes. Another pro is meeting some new folks.
Cons: smaller digs, a street light directly out my bedroom window, TNTC spiders and some occasional roaches and Dwight alerting/barking every time he hears a door slam shut. Another con is missing my old neighbors.

I'm getting used to less space, I hung black-out curtains in my bedroom, I know I'll get the bug situation under control and I suspect Dwight will get used to the doors slamming, at some point, down the road.

I miss chatting with my neighbors but it's good to meet some new ones.
It's all going to work out.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

No expiration date

I received an e-mail today that was addressed to Tori.
It was a reminder that her ARNP license would expire on 4/30/2017.

I can't tell you how many folks have approached me over the last year and 9 months to let me know she was the best, most caring health care provider they had ever encountered.
Her impact on their lives will never expire.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Not as expected

I heard from a friend recently.
She had gone out to lunch with a co-worker whose husband had recently asked for a divorce.
My friend had been through a divorce a couple of years ago.
She said it reminded her to give me a call.
I laughed and said "why did this make you think about me?"
She said that I was someone else whose married life had not turned out as expected and she figured she would touch base to see how I was doing.
I appreciated her call.
I didn't really have a good one-liner as a come-back.
She was right.
My life hadn't turned out as expected.

Can't judge a marriage by social media

A friend recently confided in me about all the trouble he is having in his marriage.
I had no idea.
His wife is an avid "poster" on social media.
All the posts look perfect-in fact, they appear to be a perfect couple.
But all is not as it appears to be.
This was a good reminder that once again, "most everyone you know is fighting a battle of which you may know nothing about."

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Broken hearts

Takotsubo syndrome is better known as broken heart syndrome.
It's felt to be a stressed induced cause of heart weakness-a cardiomyopathy.
Most recover but some succumb-die during the acute phase.

I also suspect many going through extreme stress/loss/grief have never been diagnosed.
We're the majority who just slowly recover.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Moving month

"Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must, but take the step." "And suddenly you know it's the time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings."

I move into a 2 bedroom apartment in a few weeks.
The sale of my home is finalized about a week later.
I ran into a neighbor yesterday who congratulated me on the sale of my home.
He also said, "you're also getting rid of the burden of home ownership."
I honestly had never thought of it that way but, after spending the last few weeks doing repairs, I had to laugh.
Trying to do everything solo that the two of us did to keep up our home has taken up most of my free time.
I realized the other day that I had not been to the beach in over a year.
It's only about an hour away.
That will hopefully be rectified soon.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Feeling stuck

1. Feeling stuck is a sign that it's time to make a change.
2. Even the tiniest possible step is progress.
3. You don't have to have it all figured out to move forward.
4. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
5. New beginings can feel like endings.
6. Beautiful things happen when you clear your life of all the negativity.
7. Believe what your heart tells you, not what others say.
8. Stop overthinking. Whatever happens, happens.
9. If it's meant to be, it will happen at the right time, at the right place, for the right reasons,.
10. Your best is yet to come.
(Author unknown)

God is in control.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Wonderful words

A neighbor recently sent me a card with a German quote.

She added the English translation: "Every encounter, that touches our soul, leaves behind a trail that never totally drifts away."

I know she was referring to the time she had spent with T.

I know many others felt the same way.

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Alone again, unnaturally

Stopped by two New Years Eve get together's last night.
Each was really nice.
There were friends and acquaintances at both.
Everyone was there with their spouse, except for me.
I had a good time but left each party early.
I didn't leave because I was alone.
I left because it just, once again, hit home that I really missed having T by my side.
I know I'll be fine.
The New Year just tends to make us all even more contemplative than usual.

I know that.