6 months and counting

Yesterday marked 6 months without T.

Both children are home for the Christmas holiday and that's been great.

I've been off this week from work as well and that's been good and bad.

Good because of more time home and bad because of more time home.

At work I'm distracted from my thoughts of T.

I know it's also tough on Tom and Ellie.

At college they're distracted from their thoughts of their Mom.

I'm committed to continuing to make the most of life and doing the very best possible for my children.

I'm committed to presenting the most positive example in terms of emotions to my children and to others.

Although I feel like I've aged a decade over the last 6 months I know I haven't.

Acting as if you are totally OK just seems to take a lot out of you energy-wise.

I'm committed to enhancing my faith.

I've been doing a lot of self talk lately.

About 6 months worth.

Christmas blues?

A number of friends have reached out to me recently to let me know they are thinking about us because they know Christmas will be tough this year without Tori.

I truly appreciate them.

Obviously I don't know exactly how I will feel on the day but I'm hoping it will go as smoothly as possible.

The last number of months have been tough.

I don't know if things can get tougher emotionally than they have already been.

Tori had her cardiac arrest on post-op day #9 of my left hip replacement in June.

I helped both children move back to their respective colleges in August and returned home alone.

September sucked-birthdays for my son and Tori and our wedding anniversary.

My first birthday, in 28 years, without Tori in November.

Thanksgiving.

TNTC mini-urgencies-appliances breaking, windows leaking, cars breaking down, etc.

Adding multiple new duties to make up for things that Tori always took care of-all dog related issues, monthly bill paying and balancing of checkbook/finances, cleaning bathrooms, shopping for home supplies, etc.

Along the way I've realized the following:

I will wake up in the morning-I'm not going to die anytime soon of a broken heart

I can cook so I won't starve to death

I can take care of a home and most everything that goes along with it

I'm no longer intimidated by a grocery store

I can truly multi-task

I can be completely in touch with my children

I do want to try and enjoy the rest of my life on earth and continue to hopefully make a difference in people's lives

Christmas will be a tough day.

Tori always made everything related to Christmas Day so special but I will get through it-I know I will.

Future reconciliation

From Alan Wolfelt PhD:

"Seek reconciliation, not resolution.

Your journey will never truly end. People don't get over grief.

Reconciliation is a more appropriate term when the mourner moves forward in life without the physical presence of the person who died. Your feelings of loss don't disappear but they soften as you know the person who died will never be forgotten but that you can and will move forward in your life.

The pain of loss is an inherent part of life resulting from the ability to give and receive love.

As you do the work of mourning you will eventually demonstrate the serenity to become comfortable with the way things are rather than attempting to make things as they were."

Hand made with love

I had a long to-do list yesterday.

Putting up Christmas decorations was one of the things on the list.

I wanted to get things done before both children got home from college for the holiday break.

I was doing fine until I opened up the box labeled "ornaments."

Over 50% of our ornaments were made by Tom and Ellie over the years with T's assistance.

I got pretty emotional.

I ended up just putting the store bought ornaments on the tree.

I'll try again next year for the others.

It's bound to be a little less intense by then.

A pending new definition of normality

From the blog "Grieving husband": "You see when my wife died, a part of me also died along with her."

T was my best friend.

We pretty much always had a good time in most everything we did, even the simplest of outings.

It's been awkward being out socially.

I'm still not used to doing everything alone-except for when I'm doing something where I can bring my buddy Dwight.

It was so comfortable to have her by my side-I haven't been comfortable for the last 163 days.

"Life will never be normal again, even though a new definition of normality will be established eventually."

I'm looking forward to whatever the new definition will be.