Everything that was needed

I cleaned out the Toyota van in order to get it ready to be sold.

The center console was full of pens and pencils, a notepad, tooth-picks, Kleenex, sunblock, hand lotion, pony-tail hair bands and baggies.

All items that T knew the kids might need and would have forgotten to pack for themselves.

The baggies were due to the fact that when younger, and occasionally even as a young adult, our son would get motion sickness and need to throw-up either during or shortly after arriving to a destination in our car.

She was always prepared.

For a car trip of any length, she also always had a cooler packed with water, Gatorade and snacks.

It's been wierd walking by the un-used coolers in our garage over the last few months.

It's not until I'm driving somewhere and am either thirsty or hungry that I remember that, once again, I failed to adequately prepare.

I wonder if I ever will.

Good + bad/2=OK

"OK" means acceptable/mediocre.

I think it's a good word for someone who spends the day feeling good one moment and then bad the next moment.

I'm OK.

Priceless

I've talked to Ellie, on the phone, almost every day since she went back to her second year of college 6 weeks ago.

We've usually talked either early in morning or later in the evening which still tends to be the worst times for all of us emotionally.

I got up to see her this weekend and just returned home.

I spent the day yesterday at her first collegiate horseshow for the new school year.

I was off to the side alone for a fair amount of time doing what I've always loved to do-watching one of my kids.

It was so great to see her laughing, smiling and enjoying being with her friends/teammates.

I know she struggles daily with the loss of her Mom/best friend, but to witness a bit of normalcy for her was priceless.

2 great kids

Today would have been our 23rd wedding anniversary.
It's a sad part of the day now because it's quiet and winding down but the majority of the day wasn't.
I spent today with our 19 yo daughter and touched base over the phone with our 21 yo son.
We've always been so proud of them.
T and I were a great team and we could not have had better children.
We were always so thankful because we know this isn't always the case.

Don't worry, be happy

I had a wonderful person to grow old(er) with.
We also joked a lot about our future.
Especially the part about when I got demented...not if I got demented.
We had a plan that we agreed upon:
If I was mean-swearing, acting out, biting, etc., she had my full blessing to put me in a nursing home-also known as a warehouse where we send our old folks.
But, if I was kind and gentle, I would stay at home with her wearing my Depends.

My future now sort of scares me.
I don't want to be a burden to my children or to their future families.

I've appreciated reading another blog entitled "Lost without her."
The author notes that when we worry about our future it's because "our expectations of the future are flawed. They were created in our own heads. They are illusions of the way we think our life should be."

T's death is a daily reminder of how suddenly our time on earth can end.
I'm still scared about my future but I'm really trying to suppress these thoughts.
NONE of us know what tomorrow will bring.

There's no alternative

From the book, entitled, I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye:

"The experience of sudden loss of love and the recovery process that follows can provide a basis for growing and expanding us as human beings in ways we never thought we were capable."

I wish this wasn't the reason to grow and expand, but it is, so I must.

Going to try

James Taylor's song, Secret O' Life, has been stuck in my head this morning.
I've always liked listening to JT-one reason is because I can actually understand his lyrics-a huge feat for me-T and my children spent a lot of time over the years laughing whenever I would try to do a sing along with so many other musicians.

"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time.
Any fool can do it, there ain't nothing to it.
Nobody knows how we got to the top of the hill.
But since we're on the way down, we might as well enjoy the ride."

I'm trying.