Sunday, February 18, 2018

The first journal entry and the first mantra

I started this blog on Day #60 of Life without T.

The first 59 days were a struggle for sure-filled with all the usual feelings related to bereavement-extreme sadness, crying spells, anxiety over pretty much everything, insomnia, anorexia, weight loss, guilt and questioning if I could have been a better husband and/or told T more often how much I appreciated and loved her. I felt overwhelmed and had recurring thoughts of wishing I had been the first to die.

There were also times that I was angry at her for leaving me and forcing me to figure out so many things on my own. These represented the times that I was actually the most functional, in terms of getting things done, however, so that was sort of a good thing.

Before my daughter returned for the start of her second year of college she gave me a blank notebook. I knew what it was meant for. She has written in a journal for some time. It encouraged me to read more and put my thoughts, or those of others, down in writing.

The first entry was 8/19/2015. It was from a blog entitled "Lost Without Her:"

"You can shed tears that she is gone, or you can smile because she has lived. You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back, or you can open your eyes and see that she has left. Your heart can be empty because you can't see her or you can be full of the love you shared. You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday. You can remember her only that she is gone or you can cherish her memory and let it live on. You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back OR you can do what she'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on."

"Smile, open your eyes, love and go on" became the first of many mantras I used for helping me to get through a day.

The mantras didn't stop the waves of emotion but they did help to keep me from drowning.

It was a good start.

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