The dark side

I've had some dark thoughts over the last 10 weeks.
I've read a lot of books on grief, mourning and bereavement but haven't come across many sections in which the authors suggest that one might spend a fair amount of time wishing others were dead instead of your wife.
T was 5'4" and weighed approximately 118 pounds.
She never smoked.
She had a beer or a glass of wine 3-4 times a year, at most.
She never did drugs of abuse.
She took one prescription medication-synthroid for thyroid replacement.
She exercised-walked our dog 2 miles a day, did yoga once or twice a week, and intermittently did resistance training with weights.
She got approximately 8 hours of sleep most every night.
She ate a balanced diet..
She had one vice-a can, sometimes two, of diet coke everyday.
You get the picture...
So, when I've seen middle-aged women who were smoking, I greatly resented  the fact that they were alive instead of T.
I wished they were dead.

I have come across some advice regarding an "I wish mentality."
"Refuse to go down the thought pattern of I wish...most I wishes are pointless and damaging and lead to a world of blame and guilt which is totally unhealthy."
In this case it leads to wishing someone who smoked was dead, who in most cases I don't even know or have never actually met, instead of my health conscious wife.